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Beware iPad Mania

I am not sure how it happened, but in the space of 6 months my family has become a multi-generational hotbed of iPad usage. We have his & hers (the pink one belongs to my wife, I swear), and both sets of grandparents have one each.  It seems unlikely, since our parents hadn’t even heard of the things as of late last year, and I must admit I never imagined choosing a tablet over a laptop. Clearly I am no Steve Jobs.

I feel like I should be disturbed by the fact that my three-year-old, my six-year-old, and my mother all play Fruit Ninja. None of them have yet beaten my high score, mind you, and I intend to keep it that way: I keep telling them that the bombs are worth extra points. The three-year-old girl is becoming suspicious, though, so I will need a new ploy soon.

The Apps are pure magic, of course, when you can find the right one. Unfortunately, somebody in the family appears to have downloaded an App that just downloads other Apps. They are multiplying rapidly and I fear that soon the device may seek extra storage space and take over my desktop computer. Who knows how that might end up; that computer from War Games didn’t have a fraction of the computing power, and it damn near destroyed the world.

Many nights, my wife and I just lay in bed next each other, staring intently into our iPads for hours on end without talking. Really? These damnable devices are preventing us from engaging in the one activity we should be undertaking in bed. That’s right, watching TV!

What’s worse, there is a very distinct possibility that Apple is plotting to take over the world, and/or steal all my stuff. I am convinced language to that effect is buried somewhere in the 60 page App Store terms and conditions, which I have agreed to multiple times but never read. I actually tried to read them once, but my index finger soon become exhausted from clicking Next.

I think we can agree: I am most likely losing my soul to this iPad piece by piece, 99 cents at a time. No matter; it’s a giant iPhone that can’t make phone calls, and I love it.

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